drama

I'm not sure why everything has to be so full of drama.
Granted, I've been making probably more than my own fair share, but seriously, it's just kinda silly. 

We have a duplex we're renting out.  Or rather, trying to.  The previous renters moved out at the end of October.  There was dirt and furniture left.  So most everything eventually got moved.  and then we decided to scrub it properly.  and then paint.

Finally we show it to some people, most of whom say it's just not big enough.  True story.  The three of us living in there was interesting at times, but not too bad.  Finally a guy and his girl and their baby look at it.  The first words out of his mouth to me are:  "Has anyone else looked at it yet?"  They want it, they'll take it, they're very very excited about it.  It's Tuesday and they could get me the money by Friday.  I let them know that I showed it to this lady and she may bring her husband back to look at it.  The girl immediately says "we can get you the money sooner...?"  No, honey, it's that I promised I'd show it to someone else before I even knew you existed... 

On Wednesday they get me a list of references.  Which is where he works, a personal reference, and their current landlord.  they've lived there for 6 years.  Holy Cow!  That's amazing!  I want tenants for 6 years!!!  So I call and there's one of those anonymous answering machines.  I HATE those!!!  how am I supposed to know I left the correct semi-confidential information on the correct answering machine if I don't know that it's your answering machine.  So I hang up and I vow to call back the next day.

An hour later I have a solid one min long message from their current landlord saying that they are awesome and have lived there ever since high school, but the place isn't big enough. 

Well, that sounds nice, I call them back and make an appointment to meet w/ them at 5.30 in front of the El Burrito store.  At 5.15 I get a phone call asking where I am b/c we were going to meet at 5.  I tell them that I'm home, thinking that we were going to meet at 5.30.  (my husband later agrees that we said 5.30).... 

Today in the News...

I heard the funniest clip on the radio this morning.  “The Ubuntu people are dancing in the streets as the French has liberated their city.  The French army is poised and ready to invade Timbuktu.”

Seriously?!?  Like, did no one in the radio editing office or whatever listen to this clip and say, “nope, WAY too many things that are potentially hilarious about this”

First to my head is:  isn’t Ubuntu an operating system or software or something like that?  So then I get a vision of all of these software nerds, like all dancing around Napoleon Dynamite style:

 

(and, as the pictures TOTALLY show, I believe Linux nerds can be hot and Napoleon Dynamite can be cool…)

The next thought on my list is “What?  France invaded something??  And is winning???  (Sorry, France, but I cut my teeth on the “and just to be on the safe side, France surrenders” meme.)

And then my thoughts run to Timbuktu as this sort of mythical place (this time, blame my mother!  We’d always joke about re-route things through Timbuktu.)  So, in my mind, it doesn’t have the legitimacy as, say, London, or even the Arctic Circle.  (we learned about the Arctic Circle in Science class…  my Geography teacher may have mentioned Timbuktu once in passing…)

But, I swear, I know Timbuktu exists!!!

 Ok…  but until this blog post, I probably couldn’t have told you that it was in Africa…

Things I'm selling on Amazon

Wine Snob Take 1

My husband and I recently went to an “Old World Wine Tasting” brought to us by a local restaurant and liquor store.  The point of this was to get us drunk and get us to buy their crappy wine by the case.  The wine was paired with food.  We received a total of seven wine/food pairings.  Of course, there wasn’t much food, but there was a healthy quarter bottle in each glass, so we had to take a cab home.

They gave us a piece of paper with the type of wine, name of wine, price of the wine (ha!), where the wine was from and the food it was paired with.  My husband (who for the last 3 years has spent a week each year w/ a self-proclaimed “Wine Snob” who is working on getting her Sommelier’s license) decided that we should judge it and write down our opinions and thoughts, al la John Cleese’s wine for the confused” and see where that takes us.  As follows are our highly esteemed, semi-sober, opinions.  (yes, I’m drinking crappy cheap wine while I’m typing this up…  it’s meh wine, but it’s consistent; it’s consistently the same and it’s consistently on sale at 9.99 a bottle.  So, all typo’s, flights of fancy, and nonsensical meanderings should be attributed to the booze.  However, it’s up to you to figure out what drunken thoughts I’m transcribing, and what thought’s I’m drunkenly transcribing)

(Husband wrote at the top of the page:  Roughly Half”)

(I wrote at the top of the page:  60’s  10 bottles)

Wine:  Lunetta

Type: Prosecco

Location: Italy

Price:  114.72/Case, 10.66 bottle

Food:  Served with Stuffed mushrooms

Husband: “Unclean!!!”  Would be good with coat what?? And brea dip.  Can’t piss (gripes were good)  Netalie.  Nnooooooooooo.  Overall tasted like cheap champagne.

Me: Pre-grape-e’.  First sip ok, bit of apple.  Later drank  grapes good.  Ewww, wet sandpaper .  I don’t like.  Bitler.  It for the same reason I don’t like green apples.  Overwhelming on the palate.

Wine: New Harbor

Type: Sauvignon Blanc

Location: New Zealand

Price:  126./Case, 12.08/Bottle

Food: Served with hot spinach salad with bacon vinaigrette dressing

Husband:  Ok, very acidic  “Lacking”  Grapefruit (bleh!)  Makes me think of Galaxy Quest

Me:  Light Fruity.  Smells Funny.  Reminds me of something.  What?  Don’t remember.  No front of tongue taste.  Explodes in back.  Passion fruit!!!  Grapefruit in background.  Yuck.  Wouldn’t pay money for it, but if it were poured for me, I would drink it.

Wine:  Duck Pond

Type:   Pinot Noir

Location: Willamette Valley, Oregon

Price: 198.62/Case, 17.66/Bottle

Food:   Old World cabbage soup

Husband:  Makes me think of “War of the Roses”  Peppery.  Soup brings out the acidity

Me:Mellowshell not sure if I meant mellows well, or mellow shell Warm, Full front, slight acid back.  After soup:  sharper in front, fuller in back.  Some sort of Mullet of the Wine World

Wine:  Trapiche Oak

Type:   Malbec

Location:  Argentina

Price:  107.68/Case, 9.57/Bottle

Food:  served with cheese stuffed ravioli with a red and white sauce

Husband:  Makes me think of ‘Deep Rising”.  Just keeps getting worse.  Made me gay.  Good pairing.  Got Wife under the table.  I have no recollection of this event…

Me:  Dry, slightly bitter.  The pretentions of a cab I’m sure I meant Cabernet with the smack you in the face of a Merlot.  I dropped my pen.  Oh, well, it’s nice to know that even while several glasses in I know enough to protect my honor.

Wine:  Camp Veijo Rioja Reserve

Type:   Tempranello

Location:   Spain

Price: 140.75/Case, 13.16/Bottle

Food:  Served with a slow cooked chicken and vegetables with a red sauce

Husband: Reminds me of and Rockey in a corner.  Spicy.  The Crying Game.  In the words of Gordon Ramsey “What’s this shit?!?”

Me:  Wet, Spicy, want to smoke.  Sour base.  I am not the word poet Husband is

Wine:  Grand Marnier

Type:   Liqueur

Location:   France

Price: 36.51/Bottle

Food: Served with Chocolate orange truffle cake

Husband:  Too strong for sipping.  Con Air

Me:  Smells scary, like a mix of burnt orange peel and my high school English teacher.  Racing fuel.  Evaporates on my tongue.  Oh, God, no!  I can’t finish it, even for Science.  Or some future blog…  I should start up my blog again…

Wine:  Cockburn

Type:   Tawney Port

Location:   Portuguese

Price: 147.68/Case, 12.82/Bottle

Food:   Served with Coffee

Husband:28 Days Later, Nearly vomited.  A fine line between cough syrup and death.  Couldn’t keep her hands outta my lap I don’t know what he’s talking about here…

Me:  Sweet, smells like cherries, syrup and flouuuuuuur…  but not consistency.  I needed a spoon for the stirring of the coffee!  I’m hoping this means that I dropped my spoon in his lap, and not that I had other plans for his lap and my coffee

Trials and tribulations of travel

There are those who think I’m strange… They are all right. However, in my defense, I got it via my family.
The following is an actual conversation I had with a third party regarding an interaction with my family in the week before I went on a trip south.
My mission: to bring down quilting squares that my mother sent me (these would be for my brother’s daughter’s (Red’s) birth… did I mention she’s 1.5 years old at this point? I was supposed to embroider them with something unique to myself and my husband (and another one that my daughter was supposed to do… the difference being that she got hers done) and then Ducky and grandma are going to piece them together, and Red will have a lovely blanket.
My other Mission: Bring an antique children’s rocking chair that has been in my family for oh so many years and that goes to whoever has the baby. It came to Alaska when my baby was born (almost 13 years ago!) and has sat in storage for the last 10 years. During that time the wood dried and one armrest popped out of socket (I still can’t find it) and a seam in the seat split. So now I’m terrified that it’s going to break beyond repair before I can foist it off on my brother.
I should take this moment to just state that my mother is known as Ducky to her grandchildren… more than that is for another post, though…
Here’s my conversation:

Me: My family… I can’t tell if they rock or if they suck.
3rd: Yes
Me: Mom tells me to bring the quilt squares. Brother tells me that he’s been instructed not to pick me up from the airport if I don’t have them.
3rd: Rock
Me: I tell him I can only find one of the two squares. He says he’ll pick me up anyway… and then just tell mom that I lied to him.
3rd: Hee! Rock.
Me: I call Brother and tell him I’m bringing the rocker. And that the rocker has broken, does he know someone who can fix it. He says yes. I get home and the rocker doesn’t fit in the box. I call Alaska Airlines and they tell me that they will probably break it in transit if I just tie the flight info to it. So I make an executive decision and e-mail my mom that I’ll fix the rocker up here and then ship it south. This is the e-mail I get back:
“Great. Great great. Brother wins the bet, but I’ll help you with the cost of the rocker. I guess you can’t call it Baby’s car seat, huh? Oh well. Just get here, scrap what you need to.
Love,
Mom”

Me: And I’m all… “Wait… y’all are betting on me on this?!?!?!” and she sends:
“Just on whether or not the rocker comes. Since it was a deliberate choice not to bring it maybe he doesn’t win. He thought you would forget it.”

3rd: Your family definitely rocks.

Dreams...

I dreamed a friend of mine, R (who has moved away, and wasn’t actually THAT friend, but had certain aspects of her), and I were hiding out in someone’s living room, because we had just tried to drown her sister (who was absolutely NOT her actual in real life sisters) who was an evil witch. But we hadn’t drowned her, she used one last spell to cut off her own head and used her tongue to swim away. While we were hiding in the living room, between the coffee table and the couch, R admitted that her sister had whispered something after she was supposed to have been dead, or her final words, or something. And that was the first few words of the movie Dune, (Or, really, read the books) then “18” and so R knew that her Evil witch sister was alive, because if you watch the 18 hour version of the movie Dune, then you know that the person who was supposed to have been dead was actually alive. (I’m not sure if this is true in real life, but in my dream it was the equivalent of the song “Last Dance w/ Mary Jane” music video when Kim Bassinger opens her eyes at the end when she’s under water.
So then, we were… Helping her? Dunno, but we were in this car and this guy was driving it. And he went around the corners up the Dump Hill road (a very steep and curvy road) so fast! And at the top was a castle. And there was this guy there who I have liked for quite a while, B. (He, also, had moved away) and he saw our car doors open and he came running down from the castle and he jumped in on my guy’s lap and since we were going so fast, he had to throw himself in so he’s lying flat down. So then he laughs and does this whole humping motion. And he has a cheroot or something in his mouth and he’s just really hyper and really laughing and just way more animated than he ever really is in real life, so I accuse him of being on something (The car has now come to a stop.) The guy who’s lap he’s humping, M, laughs and then does this spanking smacking motion and knocks him out of the car.
The car starts up again and we drive off down the curvy hill going so fast. The doors haven’t even closed and B is trying to squirm his way in, and we’re going so fast that I’m hanging onto the door and the frame and my body is just flying out of the car, like centrifugal force.
We get to wherever we’re going, and we’re trying to decide to watch the 16 or the 18 hour version of Dune b/c the meaning changes w/ which one you watch. And B comes over and is all sexy sexy and, while I still like him, my feelings were really hurt, because I knew he had been in town for 3 months and hadn’t bothered to contact me (and I hate the feeling that I’m not constantly on someone’s mind… If we have a Thing, I really need you to be as hot and bothered as I am, or at the least, be thinking of me a bunch and wanting to be with me, because a once in a while booty call, while fun, is not a role I really want to play)
And then some other things happened, and we ended going off on some Epic Quest to go and find the 18 hour version of Dune because it was really rare… (Obviously it’s now been awhile since I”ve woken up and I don’t really remember the rest of the stuff… overall, a very strange dream)

Is that a fat joke?

Last night hubby and I were laying in bed.  Aren, our obnoxiously loud cat decided to speak up.  
So the conversation ended up going like this:
Me:  zzz /snore/ wha..?  huh?  I wasn't asleep, I was totally listening to you.
Hubby:  mmm-hmmmm, sure you were
Me:  no, really.  baby I love to hear you tell me about --
Aren: MMMMEEEEOOOOOWWWWWP
Me : Shut up you fat bastard!!!
Hubby:  Funny, that's what he said to you?
Me  :  You little shit, you called me fat?!?
Hubby:  That.  Is funny.