Friday, February 20, 2009

Originally Posted Wednesday, March 28, 2007 Emotional Rollercoaster

Today has been an emotional day.
I feel like crying, screaming, laughing, going to sleep 'cause I can't deal w/
it all...

the amusement comes from the fact that the internet is down (lord only knows
when I'll be able to post this) and cell phones are down, and long distance is
down... yet we can receive phone calls from long distance, and w/in the
town... but still, no one is calling about their bills, here at the hospital.
that's funny.

The intense joy comes from the fact that I girded up my courage and I called the
Home Health dept. and I was informed that not only is it allowed that I re-apply
(my talents haven't been in the best light, recently) but that 1) Shannon asked
HR if she could inform me that the job is open, again, and 2) she asked if they
could just hire me from the last application/interview. That's cool.

The sadness comes from the fact that an old love of mine is hurting, and I hurt
for him.

The excitement comes from the fact that he will be in town the same time I am in
town, and I may be able to see him, after 5 years

The homesickness comes from the fact that I wrote a short...
description/emotional journey about the thunderstorms in Austin, and how they
make me feel... and I felt such a tingle as I wrote it that I am about ready to
cry, 'cause I know that, barring some incredible/unexpected change in life that
I will never experience that again. And certainly not w/ the same way that I
felt about it back when I lived there.

The heartache comes from the fact that he and I will never be as we were before,
and a part of me ... just hates that so much...

The fear I feel is because I'm afraid that either Matt won't let me see him or
that he'll throw a fit that I'm asking, or that he'll come along w/ and be a
butt head... or that he won't come along w/, and will accuse me of something,
or that we won't meet at all, that something will come up (something usually
does) or that... or that... or that ... I don't know. that nothing will
happen, and we'll be 3 (or 2) strangers sitting at a table because everything
has changed... or we'll be strangers because nothing has changed, and that will
be just as bad. I just don't know what I'm afraid of, but I am.

The frustration because there are stupid people in this world, and they think
that they can tell me what they will and won't pay (as in what they owe) and I'm
going to have to send them to collections, but I don't want to, but they won't
pay, and then they double pay and it's all a HUGE mess. And I think I may be
more frustrated w/ them than I normally would be because of all this other stuff
going on.

Overall though, I'm feeling happy because I want this new job... and I want to
see him again, and I can't wait to go back home, even if it is only for the 3rd
week of Aug and I'll be in Arizona for the 4th... (which isn't home at all, but
I'll be w/ family so that will be alright.)

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